eshda3wa

September 29, 2007

To My Dear Brain & Confidence


I will study harder
I will study harder
I will study harder


Lately I have been feeling stupid, like my mind holds not a flicker of knowledge.
My patients ask me questions and my mind just draws a blank
like I forgot the A, B, C's of dentistry

patient: Dr my tooth hurts

eshda3wa's brain: huh? what the hell is a tooth?!


ok maybe its not that bad, but its bad.

My friends and fellow colleagues say its normal, it'll all come back to me in good time.

Well i don't want to wait for good time! Now is good time for me!

I feel empty and worthless as a professional, and its not exactly the best feeling in the
world.

I have a constant headache, i think all that emptiness in my head is causing my brain to swoosh about and get knocked against my skull causing the pain. (does a brain swoosh?)

I'm lacking self confidence, working a simple case is sending jitters up my spine.

Its so not like me, I'm usually on top of my game (that sounds dirty), I'm usually
overly confident refusing to ever ask for help and getting yelled at by my supervisors for not waiting for proper directions.

I miss my old self confidence, where are you confidence, come back to me, i yearn for you!!

I will study harder, i will graduate this year full of experience and lots of patients
stories for my blog. I will stop having jitters and will stop my brain from swooshing!

I will stop feeling stupid.


I HATE feeling stupid!

Please brain start working, please remember what your supposed to, and please while your at it talk to confidence and tell her to come back too!!


posted by eshda3wa at 1:05 AM 39 comments

September 28, 2007

Big Shirt for the Big guy


Being one of the leading countries in obesity (malat 3alaina) you would think we would have more fat large people stores!
Shouldn't store owners cater to the need of the public?

If a lot of the public are over weight why are large sizes so hard to find!

High and Mighty just opened but that is just ONE store!
Are there any hidden stores in remote locations I don't know about?
And if there are why aren't they in all the popular shopping malls?
Discrimination? yep I think so!

* i need mens wear*

posted by eshda3wa at 6:00 AM 20 comments

September 26, 2007

ENOUGH DRAMA! -Pull Hair Out!-




I hate public displays of emotion, I hate self pity, and i detest the pity of others. I hate people that sit with anybody at any given time and spill their guts out, oh life is so cruel, oh blah blah blah! I'm helpless save me save me!

WHY WHY WHY!
Why are people so damn dramatic!
My god get over yourself!
why ponder for years and years over something you cant fix
Not only do you cry over spilt milk, but you stare at the glass hoping its gna fill up again!
Its NOT!

And if YOU cant get over whatever the hell it is you cant get over leave me the hell out of it!
I do not want to listen, if i gave you the impression that I'm interested in anything your saying, then I apologize PROFUSELY for that! Here I am correcting that terrible mistake and telling you I AM NOT INTERESTED! If we were friends, family, if i knew more than your name, then MAYBE i can pretend to be interested, but man you make me want to rip my own ears out and chew them!!
I said it to your face and now I'm putting it down writing. We analyzed and reanalyzed the situation, we approached it from every possible angle, and then invented angles for new approaches. We tried left, right, top, and bottom!
If nothing changed by now i highly doubt, in fact I'm 100% positive, its NOT going to change.
So please please SHUT UP and get over yourself!!

posted by eshda3wa at 1:15 AM 30 comments

September 24, 2007

Women Can't Write?


So I'm hanging out with my friend N discussing some books we were currently reading. I was complaining about my bad luck in finding good books to read these days. I can't remember the last time a book totally mesmerized me, when i couldn't put it down, and had to read on and on, when sleep, food,and gatherings didn't matter, all that mattered was me finishing the book.
Since N was a student of literature I asked him if he could recommend something, and he sad this
" don't buy a book if its written by a woman, because women cant write"
The feminist in me raged! but i bit my tongue and thought for a moment, most books that i lost sleep over were written by men. Of course there is no denying there are amazing female writers out there, and this is what he said in response
" Name a book written by a woman, and ill show you a book written by a man that has the same concept but better"
after a long discussion and evaluations, our conversation drifted into world wars and ecofemenism.

I still didn't find a new phenomenal book
any recommendations?
posted by eshda3wa at 12:20 AM 54 comments

September 23, 2007

Was You There?



I'm currently reading Malcolm X, and i fell in love with this poem, so powerful!

enjoy
posted by eshda3wa at 1:35 AM 17 comments

September 21, 2007

The Happy Place In My Head


Whenever I feel depressed I go to this happy place in my head. Its nowhere exotic or fancy. Just a certain apartment that brings back good memories. The couches clustered together too big for the room, an old desk top computer that no one ever uses. The room always tidy, but never really clean, cause zubaida never bothers to clean it, she just pretends to.The stupid grey cat meowing behind the closed doors, and us.
Miloo at his guitar, never really playing anything, and weiner singing to whatever music that is not playing. While zeze is begging waleed to do his physics homework and waleed is giving us a speech in his new found philosophy on life.
Z and I sprawled on the floor pretending to do chemistry homework, while osama who is supposed to be supervising us is playing hairdresser with z's hair. There is laughter, a lot of it. Be it about zeze's eyebrows, or weiner throwing mangoes on the ceiling, be it about osama and waleed pretending to be the cat, be it about miloo telling me his dreams about the day Z is gna fall in love with him, or Z who is totally oblivious doing her seal impression.
Its just happy. A small room that looks clean but really isn't, filled with laughter and love, lots of love.

What is your happy place?
posted by eshda3wa at 4:05 AM 28 comments

September 20, 2007

To Papillona With Love



I saw this and i thought of you my newly wed cousin May you always be happy
Love you!

oh and show it to your Mister :p
posted by eshda3wa at 1:25 AM 14 comments

September 17, 2007

Reading The Signs II

Khulood was Happy
Her Honey moon was everything she ever imagined it to be

Salim was always gentle with her, treating her like she was almost fragile

When they got back Salim got busy with his Hospital shifts and Khulood tried adjusting to her new found loneliness.

She Kept asking Salim to introduce her to his friends but they never got around to it
and when she asked if she could tag along on of his outings between his shifts he claimed he only went to the bar across the street and she wouldn't like it.

When she found lipstick on his clothes he mumbled excuses which she gobbled up happily.

Khulood found out if she tells herself shes happy enough times she begins to believe her own lies as eagerly as she believes her husbands.

Pretty soon the sex stopped
when Khulood complained to her sister she told her its normal, hes tired stressed blah blah blah.

Salim was very private, a little too private.

When Khulood found tickets to a strip club he claimed they were for his friend
when she found credit card receipts for Queer, other inappropriate stores she told herself Soho is close to work.

Then one day kholoods curiosity took over her and while her husband was talking on the fone, she picked up the other extension and listened.

he was having phone sex with another man

her curiosity definitely killed the cat.

***************************
Khulood is happily divorced now.

most of you guessed it right :)
posted by eshda3wa at 3:30 AM 46 comments

September 14, 2007

My Cousins Idols

My cousin is currently preparing for her PHD in Law
so when she told me that her idols are Haifa Wahbi and 7aleema Boland i was surprised? i don't know what word to use here i kind of started laughing then got disgusted then i.. lets just stick with surprised.
I asked her why, she said because they defied all odds. No one thought they could make it and look at them now
What odds? isn't making a fool of yourself on TV a guaranteed
success? especially when you have a large bust line that you thrust in peoples faces?

There is no denying that the two women are pretty, but i cant say the same to them being talented!


Haifas body is her product, you don't really expect her to talk current affairs with you, or mesmerise you with her omkalthoom like voice while she moans about ragab and tells kids they are naughty.




7aleema on the other hand calls herself an e3lamiyah a journalist. Maskeena is all i have to say, i personally switch on the TV to laugh at her, i get countless calls saying shoofay 7aleema look at what shes wearing or what shes doing, and its not because they admire her in anyway, its just so we can make fun of her at the gathering later on.
Christian Amanpour is a Journalist, 7aleema is not.



To my soon to be PHD cousin i say, find yourself new role models sweety.

(imbarak 3alaikom elshahar)
posted by eshda3wa at 1:55 AM 48 comments

September 10, 2007

Reading The Signs

She was 12

He was 18


He was Hot

she was awkward



she idolized him

He never noticed her




He was charming

She always stammered



10 years Later they got married, this is their story (names have been changed)



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ever since she can remember Khulood and her family vacationed in London with Salims family


and ever since she can remember she was heads over heals for him.





As the years passed by Salim stopped joining his family during their vacation preferring to go off with his friends





Khulood grew up into a stunning young woman, with men always after her, salim was reduced to nothing more than a faded memory.





She met mohammed at university and were practically inseparable for four years, after graduation mohammed went to see her father to ask for her hand in marriage.


Her father refused, khulood was heart broken, she fell into a deep depression.


A few months later, in an attempt to cheer her up, her mom surprised her with tickets to London





As usual, they met up with salims family, to her surprise Khulood found out that the once aloof salim was now a Dr living not far away from where they used to vacation. They got together and immediately sparks flew between them. For the first time salim actually took notice.





Before the summer was over the two were engaged, both families were ecstatic!


Not long after they joined in holy matrimony and khulood moved to the UK to be with her husband.



********************************************

She noticed the signs immediately but refused to acknowledge them, until one day she could ignore it no more


(to be continued)
posted by eshda3wa at 2:20 AM 47 comments

September 5, 2007

Im 10 I Rule Kuwait

FROM: Katherine Phillips, Al-Bayan Bilingual School Middle School
Deputy Principal, Kuwait
US PASSPORT NUMBER: XXXX9279 --- contact ISR if needed.
TO: Whom It May Concern
DATE: June 21, 2007
RE: Detained in Kuwait/In Fear for My Safety

I am a Middle School Vice-Principal at Al-Bayan Bilingual School in Kuwait. I have been employed in Kuwait for 6 years at the same school. One of my primary responsibilities is student discipline. On March 8, 2006, three boys in grade 5 were suspended for fighting. I interviewed the boys, met with my principal and followed normal procedure. There is no stigma here regarding suspension. Students spend the day in the office where they study, are visited by teachers, and are taken to the canteen, etc. It's a normal consequence for fighting; all students are aware of this and the procedure is clearly defined in our Parent Handbook.


In the afternoon of March 8th, I received a phone call from one of the boys' fathers, Mr. Fawaz Khalid Al Marzouq, who is a powerful man in Kuwait. He called to inform me that this situation was "personal," that he is "friends with the emir" and that he planned to "destroy" me. This conversation, which lasted about 9 minutes, was littered with profanities and threats. On March 11, 2006, the parents met with me, my principal and our director, Dr. Brian McCauley, to discuss the suspension. The father requested that if there was an issue involving his child that I would call him immediately. On April 27, 2006, I was requested to write a synopsis of events and to visit the Ministry of Education to answer questions regarding the suspension, describe the room in which the boys spent the school day and provide a copy of our handbook. In June 2006, the father transferred his children to a different private school in Kuwait. Also, we received notification from the Ministry of Education that in-school suspensions were no longer to be applied; instead, parents must be contacted to take their children home.


In February 2007, I learned that a case had been filed against me at the Jabriya Police Department in Kuwait; the charge was "illegal detainment" of his son on March 8, 2006. I answered questions in my director's presence and the Consul from the US Embassy, Mr. Sonny Busa. My lawyer was also present. The police did not suggest that there was any reason for me to be concerned as all of the questions were answered to the apparent satisfaction. On June 13, 2007, I was at the Kuwait International Airport intending to fly to Bahrain. I was stopped at immigration where I was informed that there was a case against me, pending further investigation and that a travel ban had been placed on me. I had not been informed. My lawyer had not been informed. This travel ban was placed upon me 15 months after the boy was suspended. The parent said that he would make this personal and this seems to be what he is intent upon doing.

On Saturday, June 16, 2007, I visited the American Embassy where I met with the Vice Consul, Mr. Jared Caplan, who informed me that he sympathized but could do nothing to lift the travel ban. He suggested that I get an older Kuwaiti man to appeal to Mr. Marzouq. I was told on Wednesday that my file would be transferred to another agency for review so the ban could be lifted. Five working days later, the whereabouts of my file are uncertain. I have been told that my file is in 2 different places; this seems to be a delay tactic. Why? Because I angered an influential Kuwaiti national who is at the top of the social register both locally and at the US Embassy? On I visited the office of a police inspector named Falah Al Otaibi, whose office is in Salmiya. He is a police official who was to evaluate my file and determine if I could leave or not. He stated that he didn't have my file. I visited him on June 17th and 18th. On June 18th, not five minutes after I left his office with my director, the Business Officer of my school and another school representative, I called Mr. Jared Caplan, Vice-Consul at the US Embassy to gain his insight into the situation and to see if any progress had been made to help me leave. He was completely aware of my visit to Mr. Al Otaibi's office and instructed that I not return as it "interfered."

Several Kuwaiti families are aware of my situation but they are not in a position to help or they don't want to get involved. They have ALL said that I should go to my embassy because my embassy can help me. The fact that the embassy can't seems shocking to everyone. Many people also question why this accusation from Mr. Marzouk is placed solely on me - not the school, not the principal, not the director of school. I feel that I am being used as an example because I am a single, American woman and he wants to show others that he can do what he said which is to "destroy" me. Yesterday, June 20, 2007, I received a paper from Mr. Al Otaibi's office in Salmiya which lifted the travel ban. This waiver had been granted by the Kuwait Minister of the Interior. Not long after the Minister released me, he reverted his decision at the request of the Marzouq family or his representatives. I went to the airport last night, only to learn that I couldn't leave. I am in fear for my safety. If the Embassy can't help me, then who can? I contacted the FBI in Riyad, Saudi Arabia yesterday and talked to "Mike" who couldn't give me his last name. He was non-committal but did suggest that he thought the embassy should be able to get me out. Mr. Sonny Busa has informed me that they are "working on it." That seems a little vague and I am not sure if the US Embassy completely realizes the level of danger that I feel that I am in. Why does Mr. Marzouq want me in Kuwait during the summer when no one from my school will be in country to offer their support? To make me feel vulnerable? He is well-connected and his friends are supporting his mission to damage me in any way that he can. What's next? I do not feel safe. I am not safe. I need someone from the US to acknowledge the urgency of my situation and coordinate my release. I committed no crime. I am simply the victim of "wasta" which roughly translates into "influence/pressure" at a high level.

The story has been confirmed by BBS. Many people tried to help her but with No avail.
It was battle of the wastas.
The matter reached the primeminister and the teacher was finally able to leave the country.
As a result of this incident, the Ministry of education has announced that within the next three years they expect all private schools to have 100% Kuwaiti management!!

I wonder what kind of man that boy is gonna grow up to be.
posted by eshda3wa at 4:20 PM 36 comments