October 7, 2007
When She Didn't Scream Rape [Part II]
I inched closer to her too afraid to give her a hug. She might take it as pity, and she never reacts well to that. My heart was aching, my imagination was running faster than her words. I looked at her staring straight ahead tears glistening in her eyes. Her lips quivering and her breathing uneven. My God shes still 14, shes still in that car, up on that roof, hes still here, in her life, and i doubt hes ever going away.
What happened on that roof?
I spent hours preparing, I spread a blanket, and had 4 different kinds of food prepared. I even got flowers. Man I feel like such a loser!
Shut up. He came over, I remember every single detail, what he was wearing, what I was wearing, how his hair looked, even the way he smelled. We sat down and ate. When I say we I mean him, I couldn't eat a thing! Then we just sat there for a while hugging, and I was wishing upon every star that this be the rest of my life ! I thought my roof idea was fantastic, he didn't ask me to do anything disgusting and its been over an hour! Did i mention we never kissed?
well ya considering you were on third base!
Anyways, he did kiss me that day, a little peck right on the lips. The rest of what happened is a little fuzzy. He pushed me down on my stomach, I remember giggling and asked him what he was doing. All he said was don't scream. He then lifted my skirt. I started squirming, I tried pulling my skirt down, and saying no no no, like that actually made a difference! To shut me up he gathered the blanket and pushed my face in it. I was helpless, no amount of kicking or trying to turn over or whatever the hell I tried to do helped. He was too strong.
That's when a huge sob escaped from her, and I realized it was the first time I have ever seen my friend cry.
sweet heart you don't have to continue if you don't want to
No its OK, I want to tell you this.
He thrust himself into me, I felt him penetrating me, and it was nothing but shear pain! I swear i felt him rip though me, actually tearing me apart!
There I was face smothered in a blanket, pinned down by a man twice my size . I couldn't breath, the blanket was wet from my tears, saliva, and sweat. And he just kept going again and again and again, making disgusting noises.
You know the noises we hear in movies when watching a love scene?
It was nothing like that!
I couldn't breath, and I passed out. I don't know for how long, but when I woke, he was gone. I sat up and started puking, right were my head was. Man I must have heaved like theres no tomorrow, I swear I thought my stomach was going to come out of my mouth! After that, I cleaned up frantically like my life depended on it and went down stairs. I spoke to no one about anything, and I just went to sleep. The next couple of weeks were hell for me, I had this burning sensation every time I used the toilet, I couldn't eat, I had this fever that wouldn't go away. And every time either of my parents mentioned taking me to the doctor i would go ballistic! I thought the doctor would take one look at my face and would know what I did.
But you didn't do anything!
Back then I thought I did, it was all my fault and I blamed no one but myself. I kept thinking that I might be pregnant, and that scared the living daylight out of me.
But he didn't ....
No he didn't, but we didn't exactly have sex ed in school, I knew only what the kids told me. I started wetting my bed. I think I wet it three or four times, and I contemplated suicide on so many occasions I lost count. It was my fault, all of it, and there was no one to tell me otherwise. I tried telling Sherefa at one point, but of course I used the I know someone who knows someone story line.
She was my best friends older sister.
What did she say?
She said that girl must be a whore, no one "san3" with the proper upbringing would let such a thing happen to them, and I'm too young to be talking about things like that anyway. So I never talked about it ever again.
ok now this post is getting too long, ill post our conversation about the aftermath later.