eshda3wa

May 15, 2009

On Marriage & Crap Like That




"You are the generation that refuses to compromise, that's why you will never make a marriage last"

This was a conversation I had at work with my colleagues.

The older generation aghast at our out look on married life.

Why none of us the, young drs, want to be married.
Actually seek would be a better word.
None of us are on the lookout.

If it happens it happens.

While the conversation deepened and stretched Dr D. said: even if i get married i dont want to have a kid right away. I want to wait a while in case we get separated or the marriage doesnt workout or something.

Which caused the older generation to hang their mouths open in shock

and the younger generation nod in agreement.

"you cant enter a marriage thinking it might not work out!"

and thats when the lecture started.

We are not the west.
There is no such thing as ana ele bamashe kelmity.
You girls are too independent for your own good.

and so on and so forth.
To my surprise what they said actually made a lot of sense.
I agreed with most of it.

But it still doesn't change the fact that marriage to me is not a goal or the next step in my life.
Its... Its...

I don't know what it is, but i do know that i have major issues concerning it.
And the thought of it makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

Who wants to share a bathroom with a boy anyway.

ew!
posted by eshda3wa at 12:00 AM

40 Comments:

i sometimes think that marrige is just something that must happen! most of the time now aday i just want to get married coz i did everything i want.. n now its the time for it coz bs temalalt..
but nothing is so special about marrige..
every1 who is married complains about it!

the thing about not having a kid straight away coz of the possibility of separation was n is still in my plans.. but iv been told ena u cant think this way.. coz u'll have melcha n engagement time to know the guy...
its just a very complicated thing i guess..

n every person seems to have some other idea or something about marrige.. n their own dos n donts n their plans.. n it varies from generation to the other i gues..
i love the older generations.. everything was better then.. pure n simple.. now we're just so damn independent! i dont know how ill let some1 controll me? or get used to the idea of telling him of where im going every second coz shar3an i have to! its his right to know!

ahhhh :P
i started to hate marrige..

May 15, 2009 at 12:15 AM  

antay boya??

May 15, 2009 at 12:24 AM  

looooooool have a separate bathroom :P

May 15, 2009 at 12:42 AM  

There are two scenarios to this. The first the more conventional you are, the easier it is for you to accept a marriage proposal and get married the conventional way. A lot of girls mashallah are like that. They think foremost about their security and future and with that in mind they adapt and compromise and sub7anallah get good husbands and good marriages in the end.

The second is when you're unconventional and not the typical K-Town girl, who wants so much out of life and foremost want to share your life with someone with similar interests. Either you get very very lucky and you end up with the guy of your dreams (it happens) or you dont and you join the spinsters wagon.

I know the chances of me getting married is less than 5% and I'm making peace with it. I am happy with who I am but frankly if I had a daughter or a young cuz or niece. I wouldn't advise her to take the same path I did.

I can't change who I am at this age but I wouldn't want to see my niece or young cuz go through this challenging road and at times it gets very challenging.

May 15, 2009 at 12:54 AM  

I will say it over and over again. Marriage is over rated, trust me I tried it. And believe you would rather share it with a boy than a girl;s!

May 15, 2009 at 12:55 AM  

Dr D. said: even if i get married i dont want to have a kid right away. I want to wait a while in case we get separated or the marriage doesnt workout or something.

i always tell my sis this fact and we r not western,old ppl don't be shocked!coz we are the new generation baby!!

May 15, 2009 at 1:04 AM  

there is more young girls getting married in a very early stage of their life (18/19) that we didn't see in the past 10 years. And I feel like there's a gap in between those generations, like there's an age group between 20 & 29 years old ladies that refuse to juggle a career and a marriage at the same time.
though I strongly believe that marriage is NOT a girl's ultimate goal in life, but it's something that we do dream about often.

May 15, 2009 at 1:10 AM  

'If it happens it happens' is a great outlook to have. Live your life to the fullest and don't worry about what's not right in front of you.

"There is no such thing as ana ele bamashe kelmity." To me this comes off as more of an Eastern concept than a Western concept-especially when pertaining to males.

May 15, 2009 at 1:26 AM  

I guess when we get old we start be aware of everthing and focus more on the bad stuff tht we might face!
So my advice is to marry someone ure onehandred percent sure of and not to take shay enty men ebdayah mb mqtan3ah feih!
W a9ln whn the one gets married allah yrzgeh chamistry with the partner!
Not only that but u will also love eachother dirttiness :p

May 15, 2009 at 1:50 AM  

ok .. marriage in my opinion shouldnt be a goal .. its just something u'll feel u want to do when ur ready and when the right person come along ;) i think :P

May 15, 2009 at 2:47 AM  

LOL
I can't imagine the sharing thing too!!

Marriage is never my issue now! I donno why girls are so crazed about it!

May 15, 2009 at 3:10 AM  

and clean up after him b3d..

May 15, 2009 at 3:27 AM  

I am with you in one sense, that the model of marriage most oft lived out in this region is that the woman pours out 100% of her life into her kids and husband.

Then gets dumped. Even if there isn't another marriage, she is emotionally left behind.

BUT, there is a sense in which lack of commitment is a huge problem, lack of compromise with your generation (I'm almost 50 :D)both in East and in West.

For the most part, I think it is safe to say, men need to improve their compromise ratio. They need to grow up and shoulder the load, the monarchy model in marriage just doesn't fly any more.

I'll pray for you. The right man for a husband is one of the greatest gifts God gives. :)

May 15, 2009 at 8:59 AM  

Marriage scares the hell out of me now, LOOOL! I don't wanna put too much hope in marriage anymore, I just got out of hel, I don't wanna drive myself in again. Maybe I will consider marry again if I find Mr Right =( The pathetic part is all Mr Rights are either dead or taken, LOOOL =P

May 15, 2009 at 10:14 AM  

hmmm...
I've always shared my generation's point of view... but the older generation really has a point! :S

May 15, 2009 at 11:03 AM  

honey

i just celebrated my fifth childless marriage anniversay

o i do not mind stretching it into a tenth childless marriage anniversary...

o literally, elder generation women in my family are about to have a stroke at my refusal to reproduce until now. I have been attacked ruthelessly, now people are convinced that i cannot bear children o im lying...

o u know?

6agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag

legafatkom khaloha 7gkom... i am happy

but i cannot wait till the day i can build a house, so i would have a seperate bathroom for my self :D

May 15, 2009 at 12:55 PM  

Me too! its not even in the "el 5e6a el 5amseyah", good to know that im not alone! oo i agree with the older generation! girls should learn to compromise! i believe in equality but to a certain limit>>even eslam states that the "man" is the captain of the ship!

May 15, 2009 at 1:13 PM  

I understand where this is coming from.. but don't forget life is a lesson. You see around and learn from others.
I have a friend who got married twice. The first time she stumbled blindly into the marriage. Both her and her ex had expectations and no compromises. It didn't last more than three weeks. The experience opened her eyes, and she started to pay more attention around her and to know what she wanted. Then came husband number two. On the first day she told him how demanding her job is and what she expected from her other half, her husband did the same. He was straight forward and honest about everything. They stepped into the next stage of their lives knowing and understanding one another better. The whole point is, Do not say I don't want to get married. But when a man comes along, be honest with him. Tell him about yourself and your expectations, and asking him to do the same. Sit with one another more and get to know each other better. Don't rush into a "Milcha" or "3ers"... Take your time.
I have another friend of mine who during the '76ba, her husband would come to her house and they sit in one of the rooms and play chess for hours. He let her win all the time, as long as he spent with her few hours talking.
What seems important to you now would be irrelevant once you get married. I'm contemplating of resigning once I conceive. My job isn't as fun as it used to be when I was single. My priorities changed since I got married three years ago. Besides, who said you can't have two bathrooms?? I like baths and candle lights, he likes showers ;)

May 15, 2009 at 1:19 PM  

where'd my comment go?

May 15, 2009 at 2:38 PM  

That is one skinny Egyptian Bride.

I agree, I do not like to share my stuff with anyone, better stay single than have someone come and mess things around.

May 15, 2009 at 2:53 PM  

oh my god! i was going to blog about this!
I'll blog my view point:p

May 15, 2009 at 2:56 PM  

ana 21 ! oo lel7een madree mabi atzawaj !ma7es eni I'm ready !oo 7ada 7ada mo my goal :P .. bas el banat hal ayam mo hamhom ela hal shay yekhafoon ye3ansoon:P oo 7a6een eb balhon etha ma tezawejaw hathi nehayat el denya Walah madri shlon

May 15, 2009 at 4:47 PM  

Not all of us attempt to draw the Monalisa in yellow. Not all of us pee standing.

We'd be glad if we got enough space for our shaving cream & toothpaste, among your huge cabinets of creams.

Chan zain 3ad lo el wa7da te7law 3ogob kel hal kremat... cheba7 :p

May 15, 2009 at 7:27 PM  

looool ... you only though of the bathroom part? whar about bed? and sha5eer? ;P

May 15, 2009 at 10:37 PM  

the last line was priceless.. I totally agree!

May 15, 2009 at 11:10 PM  

nosahathi elmoshkila!
EVERYONE complains!

Anonget a life

Anonythats just 1 issue

Miss-InformedThe way i see it marriage does not represent security anymore.
just extra burden

Hasan.Bpreachin to the choir!

Candyyes we are!

Fateni never shared that dream.
marriage should be a girls life..
just a part of it

Asoomexactly!
why should i worry abt something thats not even happening!

Anonbut how can u ever be 100 percent sure?

C Ci agree

Hsana ba3ad madre!

Anonhatha ele nage9!

kinzii agree !
thank u!

May 15, 2009 at 11:49 PM  

zezei think after you give yourself time to heal you will be just fine babe :**

aurousthey really do!

DGi dont know why people think they have the right to an opinion eb ur life oo marriage!

m7ammadah m7ammad i could write a whole new post..
compromise means reaching a middle ground.
its not one sided.
and islam stated elrijal qawamoon 3al nesa2 whn men kanaw ya9rifoon and take care of the household.
something that does not exsist today

WWwell as long as we have two bathrooms :P
im not against marriage.. i just dont see it as something necessary

Miyamako another comment!!

purgsmart man

Chirpcant wait!

princiyour too young babe
LIVE

MBHloool
cheba7 haa!
i use two creams oo chini el bakhat ;)

No idyalahwee
i dont even want to go there!

anonhehe
glad u do

May 16, 2009 at 12:15 AM  

There is not much to say from my side except, I am moving with the flow. I just wait for the future surprises, sometimes I like them and sometimes I hate them and try to change what I can.

May 16, 2009 at 2:07 AM  

I honestly think it gets more complicated then it is. It isn't going to automatically work if both couples don't work on it! And I get annoyed with girls that make marriage their goals in life, thats just depressing, where do they go from there?

May 16, 2009 at 8:30 AM  

LoL at share a bathroom with a boy..

I think agreeing to have kids straight away is an option and I don't think there's a right or wrong to it.. BUT I don't believe that waiting to see if it works out is the case.. I mean, Sometimes after many years, couples get separated.. I don't know, it can happen at the beginning or later,, it's not just about how long you get to know your husband/wife.. things happen as you grow, things come into your life and things go, circumstances, changes... etc..

May 16, 2009 at 8:46 AM  

yes this the point.. thanks "eshda3wa".. its not the next step!!
u will hear it again and again..
1-u got shahada!
2- u got job.
3- ur 24 years
4- next step zwaj!! yallah sheno nag9ech!!

i dont know how they r thinking.. ok i agree thats "I WANT MY OWN SMALL FAMAILY" bs its not matter of needing a man in our life "IM INDEPENDENT GIRL".. its all about finding the missing piece that was inside us.. coz its fe6ra in women and men!

i like wt u said "its not a goal or next step in my life"

May 16, 2009 at 12:42 PM  

I am like that.. if it happens, it happens! I dont seek it, I dont wait for it :-) O ba3dain yeah it is scary how many people I know think this way... inna what if it doesnt work out! ya3ni dasheen fil mawthoo3 with doubts!?!?!

May 16, 2009 at 3:39 PM  

Ok OK after reading all the comments .. theres no right or wrong when coming to marriage ..
each girl has her dreams, her goals and her expectations in life ..
i got married when i was 18, i'm happily married for 2 years now .. no kids yet ..
not because i want to see if it works or not .. but just because i'm not ready for a kidz responsibility right now .. and i'm waiting to graduate .. complete my degree and mature enough to know how to raise a kid ..
so my point .. i wasnt expecting to get married when i was 18, no one talked me into it .. i chose to be married .. i chose to be with the guy and live the rest of my life with .. w btw no one ever talked to me about having babies or not .. its my choice .. and if anything they only agreed that i should have one when i'm ready :S

i guess it all depends on the girl, the guy , and the family :)

May 16, 2009 at 4:11 PM  

The marriage concept is mutated in our society, the rules, the way they get married, the REQUIRMENTS! Offff the requirments!

What I hate the most is 2 things:

1- the things that try want from the husband
2- the fact that in most cases the girl don't get to say anything about it 'qa9ib?'


Ahmed

May 16, 2009 at 9:14 PM  

Ggoin with the flow
best way to live

marzouqno where
thats where

Shoshovery very true
there are never any guarantees on how things will turn out

FOEi hate the shino nag9ech sentence
i really do hate it!

Ansameeh laish metzawjeen madre!

CCur right
what works for one person
might not work for someone else
it all comes down to the individual

Ahmedi dont know about the girl not saying anything
times are changing !

May 16, 2009 at 10:48 PM  

I don't believe in marriage. Especially with the divorce rates here being so high and all.

In addition, I have many goals that I need to accomplish in life. I believe that marriage will get in the way of my grand dreams.

May 17, 2009 at 1:16 PM  

With traditional marriages you meet someone who you don't know, marry them and are surprised that everything worked out (kind of like having a room mate with sex and kids). There's a whole load of familiarity and the emotional attachment is definitely there .... but there's no passion.

When you marry someone who you've met, had a relationship with for a while and then made a decision on it's usually more interesting and at the times when things don't work out you'll always be able to go back and think about the days before marriage when you were in love. It helps alot (I guess).

Kids just help to cement the relationship and in traditional marriages where there's just on emotion they tend to help the thing last a little longer.

The whole toilet thing is intimacy; not to be confused with love marriage or passion.

[As much as I'd have enjoyed writing something a little more crude and rude this is the best I could come up with on the subject .... apologies .....]

May 17, 2009 at 5:24 PM  

yea I agree, Who wants to share a bathroom with a girl who fills it with all her make up and skin care stuff..:P

May 18, 2009 at 9:10 AM  

I don't understand women who place their make-up in the bathroom. Don't they get mouldy (and henceforth, spoil) faster that way?

One thing about marriage, its something you don't just jump into. There's so many financial considerations,etc.

Even if a woman is financially independant, I still don't think she would want to marry a man who makes lesser than her. What would her family and extended family + friends think? (oh, the horror!)

May 18, 2009 at 3:37 PM  

Ma yemna3 ena it'6l elBnaya independent . . bess 7ada endereing lama elryal e7s ena she has to depend on him eb stuff(act the role 3al aqal) . . 7lwa eb her personality ow her own thoughts .. ahem shey elcompromise ya3ne independent within limits(mo restrictive bes limits) ahem shay remember it takes 2.. mo 1, 0.25 ow 1.5

May 21, 2009 at 3:51 PM  

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