eshda3wa

October 30, 2007

Coming Home




It's my last year in university and for some reason I cant put my finger on, I'm terrified of moving back home.
It's not like I'm going to miss my independence or anything like that, my life in Kuwait is pretty much the same as it is here.
I know I'm going to miss having my own apartment. I love my place, and the thought of leaving it breaks my heart. But its still not the reason why my stomach turns when I think about coming home.
Is it normal?
Did anyone else go through this?
I really don't want to get depressed over this!

(will tell you more about what im going through after I finish my wave of quizzes)
posted by eshda3wa at 3:51 PM 31 comments

October 25, 2007

Sometimes



Sometimes I dream about seeing you, id run into you at the most random places.
A DVD store or a busy supermarket. We'd bump into each other in the bread isle, and I'd have to fight the urge to just reach out and hug you. Our groceries forgotten you would gently steer me away and take me to the little coffee place around the corner.
Sitting down with warm mugs in our hands, matching the warmth we feel in our hearts. we would talk and talk and talk, and before we know it hours would have passed by.

yes I dream about talking to you often, but I have no idea what we would say.
posted by eshda3wa at 10:50 AM 27 comments

October 23, 2007

In Search oF Pancakes

Home Made



The best I've had so far


Mcdonalds Pancakes






They were not as good as I remember them to be, ok but not great


Casper and Gambinis




They were not light n fluffy, but they sure tasted good, and their Maple syrup was divine!


*I also had the sultan center pancakes and they were quite good, but still not amazing

*Next pancakes im trying are Gaucho grill and Johnny Rockets
posted by eshda3wa at 9:50 AM 43 comments

October 22, 2007

The Baladiya Comes Knocking









We came home to find a red flyer hanging on our door. FINAL WARNING.
First of all we never got a first warning to get a final one, second of all we are not blocking anything. 20 years ago when my uncle decided to put a mathala outside he got permission from the baladiya. We are living in the same neighborhood, nothing has changed, we are still blocking nothing. Mako mu7awel kahraba anywhere near us, or any government property what so ever.
For further inquirey they placed a mobile number which is always switched off!
We go to the baladiya and as usual no one bothered coming to work. What the hell are we supposed to do ya3ne!
posted by eshda3wa at 12:00 AM 19 comments

October 20, 2007

Tease Your Taste Buds

I love my family gatherings, they are so colorful, so wonderfully animated, full of laughter and has the best food ever made.
All my aunts are good cooks, from salads to desserts, they make the most scrumptious food ever.
For Eid my mom cooks the main meal. I have yet to taste something superior to my mamas Machboos


These are the 40 slaughtered chicken before they were set on the dining table.
Ofcourse I had originally planned to take a picture of the feast my mom prepared, the rice, marag, 7ashoo, the works. But once the food was set and the smell drifted my way, I forgot about my camera, and only remembered during dessert!

Aunt A's Famous Dates cake


Aunt R's cheesecake, the best in the world



also her amazing oreo cake



Aunt M's Mango cake


Ok we didn't make this, but it looked pretty :)


I wanted to eat 3azooz too, but my uncle wouldn't let me
posted by eshda3wa at 10:50 AM 40 comments

October 18, 2007

Nesaitay 3anha

My sisters and I were having a conversation with my cousin about her PS3 which she left at our place a few days ago.

Pheonix: faroo7 when are you comming over to get it?

Faroo7: Get what?


Pheonix: lol nesaitay 3anha?

Aunt: ana bafham intaw min wain etyeboon elkalam!!

Me: ay kalam?

Mom: nesaitay 3anha

Me: 3n shino?

Aunt: No the actual word nesaitay 3anha, it does not exist in arabic

Pheonix: yes it does

Mom: you cant translate you forgot about it in arabic, nesaitay 3anha mako!


Aunt: ana a7seb bs banate may3arfoon yt7achoon

Mom: laa 3ndina oo 3ndich khair

does nesaitay 3anha really not exist in arabic?
posted by eshda3wa at 12:20 AM 41 comments

October 15, 2007

I Hate My Daddy n Bro's


DRIVING!!

my GOD!!

No .. you do not own the road!

No .. you are not the best drivers in the world!

No .. not everybody on the road is stupid!

No .. you cant talk, drink tea, sms, and drive at the same time!

No .. everyone else do not have to move because you decide to drive at break neck speeds!

No .. my fear anger and anxiety will NOT go away when u tell me its ok!

NO .. you cannot handle every turn, da3oos, and taking over!

YES IT IS DANGEROUS!!!!


and people wonder why i refuse to drive!!!
posted by eshda3wa at 12:05 AM 46 comments

October 14, 2007

The Run Away Aunt


There is this one aunt in my family who's "business" matters happen to always fall during eid. For the past few years she would take off leaving her children behind, After all a "business" trip is no place for kids.

and of course 3eediya has nothing to do with it ;)

I think we all have one or two of these fellow "business" men and women in every family.

Sad.
posted by eshda3wa at 7:45 AM 25 comments

October 12, 2007

FEED ME!!!

People I'm craving pancakes!
Light n fluffy with lots of syrup!!

Where can I find the BEST pancakes in kuwait ?!!

oo 3eedkom imbarak :)
posted by eshda3wa at 7:23 AM 50 comments

October 9, 2007

Response To Rape


I chose not to reply to your individual comments and write a post instead. I think most people did not get, why I decided to share this story with you. I was not looking for sympathy or pity from anyone, because quite frankly they are not going to get us anywhere.
My post was not to justify what my friend has done or to exempt her from her share of the blame.

We live in a society where everything gets swept under the carpet. If we don't talk about it, If we don't acknowledge it, then it doesn't happen. Well I have news for you, it does happen, and it happens a whole lot.

People got too busy voicing their opinions, taking sides, pointing fingers, but NO ONE stopped for a minit to think on how to deal with the situation.
The bottom line is, a 27 year old man raped, or had sex, whichever way you want to look at it, with a 14 year old girl. The events that lead to that should be forgotten.
You have a broken child in front of you screaming for help but no one wants to listen, no one wants to deal with anything.
Why do we alienate people so much that they have no one to turn to, no where to go?
Why should a person whether u see them as a victim or not, have to fight a loosing battle by them self. No one especially a 14 year old kid deserves to be contemplating suicide on a daily bases. that is just WRONG.

No adult male should feel he is able to have sex with a child and be 100 percent sure he will not be held accountable! Why? because he knows our society would be too busy judging her than actually stopping him. Which is why he went on to rape two other girls of which I know of, and I keep wondering if that monster is still out there taking advantage of young girls.
I cant believe people were more concerned weather or not she lost her virginity than by the fact that she lost herself.
No, most of you were not sitting next to her in geometry class watching her tear at her own skin with a compass because she wanted to feel pain other than the pain of hating herself. You did not watch her wither away to only a shadow of her former self.

You were too busy thinking shes a horny sex crazed bitch that deserved what she got, she put herself in that situation let her deal with it, after all you reap what you sow.


So let me ask you this, when 1001 nights wrote a post asking us to Pray for Ahmed the drug addict who called a religious radio show and told them he abuses drugs, he tried going to rehab but failed, and all he wants is to be happy and normal.
Do you say no one held a gun to his head and told him to snort cocaine? or say if he was raised properly then he wouldn't have gotten himself in the situation? or would you forget all the events that led there and deal with the actual problem??

I wrote the previous posts to
1- bring awareness that those kinds of things actually happen

2- If one day you are approached by someone trying to tell you a horrid story, leave the judging to God almighty, and maybe offer a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, or even a kind word!

Allah la yable a7ad inshallah
posted by eshda3wa at 4:30 AM 34 comments

October 7, 2007

When She Didn't Scream Rape [Part II]


I inched closer to her too afraid to give her a hug. She might take it as pity, and she never reacts well to that. My heart was aching, my imagination was running faster than her words. I looked at her staring straight ahead tears glistening in her eyes. Her lips quivering and her breathing uneven. My God shes still 14, shes still in that car, up on that roof, hes still here, in her life, and i doubt hes ever going away.

What happened on that roof?


I spent hours preparing, I spread a blanket, and had 4 different kinds of food prepared. I even got flowers. Man I feel like such a loser!

your not!

Shut up. He came over, I remember every single detail, what he was wearing, what I was wearing, how his hair looked, even the way he smelled. We sat down and ate. When I say we I mean him, I couldn't eat a thing! Then we just sat there for a while hugging, and I was wishing upon every star that this be the rest of my life ! I thought my roof idea was fantastic, he didn't ask me to do anything disgusting and its been over an hour! Did i mention we never kissed?

What?!

Weird ha

well ya considering you were on third base!

Anyways, he did kiss me that day, a little peck right on the lips. The rest of what happened is a little fuzzy. He pushed me down on my stomach, I remember giggling and asked him what he was doing. All he said was don't scream. He then lifted my skirt. I started squirming, I tried pulling my skirt down, and saying no no no, like that actually made a difference! To shut me up he gathered the blanket and pushed my face in it. I was helpless, no amount of kicking or trying to turn over or whatever the hell I tried to do helped. He was too strong.

That's when a huge sob escaped from her, and I realized it was the first time I have ever seen my friend cry.

sweet heart you don't have to continue if you don't want to

No its OK, I want to tell you this.

He thrust himself into me, I felt him penetrating me, and it was nothing but shear pain! I swear i felt him rip though me, actually tearing me apart!
There I was face smothered in a blanket, pinned down by a man twice my size . I couldn't breath, the blanket was wet from my tears, saliva, and sweat. And he just kept going again and again and again, making disgusting noises.

You know the noises we hear in movies when watching a love scene?
ya?
It was nothing like that!

I couldn't breath, and I passed out. I don't know for how long, but when I woke, he was gone. I sat up and started puking, right were my head was. Man I must have heaved like theres no tomorrow, I swear I thought my stomach was going to come out of my mouth! After that, I cleaned up frantically like my life depended on it and went down stairs. I spoke to no one about anything, and I just went to sleep. The next couple of weeks were hell for me, I had this burning sensation every time I used the toilet, I couldn't eat, I had this fever that wouldn't go away. And every time either of my parents mentioned taking me to the doctor i would go ballistic! I thought the doctor would take one look at my face and would know what I did.

But you didn't do anything!

Back then I thought I did, it was all my fault and I blamed no one but myself. I kept thinking that I might be pregnant, and that scared the living daylight out of me.

But he didn't ....

No he didn't, but we didn't exactly have sex ed in school, I knew only what the kids told me. I started wetting my bed. I think I wet it three or four times, and I contemplated suicide on so many occasions I lost count. It was my fault, all of it, and there was no one to tell me otherwise. I tried telling Sherefa at one point, but of course I used the I know someone who knows someone story line.

who's Sherifa?

She was my best friends older sister.

What did she say?


She said that girl must be a whore, no one "san3" with the proper upbringing would let such a thing happen to them, and I'm too young to be talking about things like that anyway.
So I never talked about it ever again.

ok now this post is getting too long, ill post our conversation about the aftermath later.
posted by eshda3wa at 1:50 AM 36 comments

October 5, 2007

When She Didn't Scream Rape


Why do people think I'm a slut?
Cause you act like one
I don't care what people think
OK

2 minits later

How do i stop them from calling me a slut?
Maybe if you stop acting like one, then people will stop calling you one
yeah well i don't care what people say
of course you don't
No really I don't
I know

There we were laying down on a beach having just another one of our meaningless conversations, it would have been a very normal, easily forgettable night, except for what happened next.
There I was telling her about Baza's little sister...

you know Sara?
little chubby Sara? what about her?
Baza caught her having a very intense talk on the fone with someone, about how she cant live without them.
how cute
yeah i would have thought so too if she was talking to someone in her class, but turns out she was talking to a 32 year old man she met online!
WHAT! NO FREAKING WAY! WE HAVE TO STOP HER! WE HAVE TO STOP HER NOW! OH my God oh my God!! GET UP GET UP!!! I'm going to find that man and I'm going to KILL HIM!

For a second there I thought she might be kidding, but then i saw her shake, tears streaming down her face.

Whoa! Girl calm down. Come on breath, breath. Eshfeech? Whats wrong?!! Baza already has the situation under control, its OK, just calm down.

I wont let it happen again! I wont let it get that far
let what happen sweetheart?

Let him rape her! I wont let it happen again ever!
again?

and that's how the story began

you know eshda3wa, your first love is always intense, even at 14, your first love is intense. I met him online, he was 27 back then, and man was he sweet. I always felt so unwanted, everyone had boyfriends, everyone had someone who had a crush on them, but not me, the guys always made fun of me. Then he comes along, all old and mature and so very tender.
I use to go over to hala's house, remember her? then id sneak out to see him. He used to take me for long rides in his car, at first just holding my hand and kissing it, then asking me to come closer, telling me he needs me to be closer to him, closer to his heart.
Huh, when I think about it now, God I don't know how I fell for it.

It's OK you were young and well.. stupid.


No it's not OK! how did my mom not notice anything?! Why didn't she stop me! She must have known! I'm sure she did!

Sweety you think if your mom knew you were dating someone twice your age she would just turn a blind eye?


Well it was careless of her! She had no one but me! Anyways that's not the worst part of it, I trusted him, he told me he never loved anyone like he loved me, and he is willing to wait until i finish high school and he'll marry me right away! I melted in my seat of course.

of course


Then he demanded oral sex, said if I'm going to make him wait for me that long then i better give him something to sustain him, and so I did. Time and time again he would shove my head down there and demand... you can imagine the rest. I was so happy, and yet so miserable. I loved him, and was happy that I made him happy, but I carried with me this guilt you know, images of hell always flashing in front of me. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions, I had no one to talk to. Most of all i was afraid to lose him.

For our one month anniversary I thought maybe If we do something different other than cruise in his car, he wouldn't make me perform oral sex. So I invited him over to my house, on the roof.


This post is getting too long, ill tell u what happened on the roof later.
posted by eshda3wa at 12:15 AM 48 comments

October 3, 2007

To The Rainbow in My Life



You talk to me for 34 minits and you have me smiling for the next 34 days
You have the ability to make me feel as light as a feather, like I'm floating!
I haven't seen your beautiful face in so long, but god i can see every detail like your in front of me.
It seems like yesterday you walked in late to 8Th grade social studies class, you hair cut so short, still its natural color, and one of your front teeth broken. That contagious smile of yours! and Amna coming up to me and saying eshda3wa this is a new girl and she'll hang out with us eb lunch.
From that day on we shared many lunches together, and even more detentions!
And as we grew our adventures grew with us, our walkie talkie days, maniac driving, sneaking out of zeze's house at ungodly hours to go to sultan center, and biking!
Us enjoying a meal and you and Irish girl have to ruin it by asking my mom *inappropriate* questions!
Or one of my favourite : me and you training everyday on the beach so you can take part in a certain TV show ;)
Starting our own friendship charity to give those less fortunate a taste of fun, you were evil and i love you for it, telling -O- that Atomic Kittin are Da Bomb and him playing em full balst! (maskeen)
Every happy memory i have you are in it!
and i want you to know that i thank God every single day for bringing you into my life! And for you to still have the ability to love me even after you knew i was obsessed with the BsB!
I could go on forever telling stories on how your friendship has colored my life , but all i want to tell you is that I FREAKING LOVE YOU!
My Darling you and the Irish girl make me complete!

p.s Mommy says she misses u ALOT
posted by eshda3wa at 6:38 AM 30 comments

October 1, 2007

Khalilah

its racist but i love it!
posted by eshda3wa at 6:50 AM 25 comments